[expletive deleted]
I have something to confess to all of you. I didn't want to have to tell you this, but . . . in the last year, I've had . . .Two speeding tickets.
Yes, that's right, two whole tickets. This has highlighted me as a possibly hazardous driver to the Indiana Bureau Of Motor Vehicles. Which is odd, because compared to many of the other drivers around here, I should be the least of their concerns. There are people with records way worse than two speeding tickets who are still licensed by the state to operate one-ton metal monsters at high speeds.
But still, I've been flagged; I must now complete the Driver Improvement Program (DIP, an accurate acronym) or face suspension of my drivers' license. My only options were to take defensive driving courses that for some reason are only held in Indianapolis (brilliant idea, BMV: order someone whom you consider a potential road hazard to drive 200 miles round trip!) or rent the DIP film from Blockbuster and take the test by phone or online. So, Blockbuster it is.
I don't rent movies much. How much do they run these days? Five bucks for the new releases, maybe a buck-ninety-nine for the oldies? Well, not the DIP. The DIP costs $39.99 to rent for three days, on top of the $200-plus I've already jacked up for the ticket fines.
The following is the exact conversation I had with the Blockbuster employee last night, with one exception. Since my shock and anger led me to use language that was a bit . . . earthy, I've decided to edit the dialogue for those in my audience who may not like profanity (I say "may not" because right now I don't really have an audience per se). Not to brag, but I think I've edited it so well that you won't even notice where I used explicit language:
Blockbuster Employee: Okay, sir, with tax [Ed: OF COURSE I had to pay sales tax! I'm not enriching the state enough!], your total comes to $42.39.
Me: FORTY-TWO BUCKS??!? Are you truckin' kiddin' me?
BBE: No, sir.
Me: You don't even SELL movies here for that much!
BBE: Well, it is four hours long, on two discs. [Ed: Obviously he's been given talking points.]
Me: So are all the other bod-slammed movies you rent here with special-edition DVD extras.
BBE: I understand, sir.
Me: For forty-two bucks, this had better be the best rubberduckin' movie in history. I'd better laugh, I'd better cry, I'd better think, I'd better consider it a moving testament to the human spirit AND the feel-good movie of the year, if those gaspoles at the BMV are charging $42.39 for it.
BBE: [chuckles]
Me: Snotjammed roosterpluckers.
If that's not bad enough, the DIP is protecting against fraud by making you wait one hour between registering and taking Part One of the exam; that way, you'll be sure to watch Part One of the film. Which means if you watch and then register, thinking registering and Part One of the exam would be joined together, you're just going to be bored for an hour.
I would say whether or not I did that, but I'm out of clever substitutions for bad words.
posted by Marsh @ 1:33 PM
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