Friday, May 6

Pissed Epistle: My First Hate Mail

Awwww, Isn't It Cute??

I received my first-ever hate mail for Marchron earlier this week. Judging by its utter suckitude, I think it's the first hate mail he's ever sent, too.

I hope he read that "I reserve the right to post any and all criticisms and flames." If he didn't . . . well, that's just too damn bad:

Date: Wed, 04 May 2005 4:09:32 +0000
Subject: You are an idiot

>I'm Gina Cora's boyfriend. We both think you are an idiot.
>Brad Richards

Devastating. I should raise the white flag of surrender now.

Or I could say this:


Who the hell are you? Oh, you're "Gina Cora's boyfriend." Well, that's very helpful. Who the hell is she?

Waaaaiiitt, I remember now; Gina Cora was one of my detractors when I was writing for
The Observer. As I recall, she was one of my more unpersuasive and hysterical respondents. I suppose the knowledge that I've started a blog made her catch the vapors, so much so that she was unable to comment and/or reply on her own.

In that case, I should commend you. Chivalry is not dead! You have valiantly taken up the sword to defend your lady's honor! "I shall run the bastard through with my rapier wit! When I tell the foul right-wing beast that we both think him to be an 'idiot,' he will withdraw to his smelly dark cave, and victory shall be ours!"

Truly, thou art a knight of impressive skill and impeccable honor. To further antagonize you would surely lead to my own awful demise.

But, then again, I'm an idiot.

Most people, when they decide to send someone a note of disagreement, at least summon up the courage to illustrate where the recipient was wrong. I suppose you, given your utter dismissal, disagree with everything I've ever said; in which case you could have bothered to point out what really set you off.

However, you chose a different avenue, and an oh-so-gutsy one it was: you simply name-dropped your girlfriend, as if she were Keyser Soze and the mere mention of your connection to her would make me soil myself with fear. Putting aside the question of why either of you consider yourselves capable of informed commentary on my intelligence, that's just . . .
weak. Even for a drive-by flaming. For God's sake, I hope you're getting a better education on how to be persuasive by Northwestern's Law School. I can just see it now:

JUDGE: Your closing argument, Counselor Richards?

YOU: [rises] Ladies and gentlemen of the jury . . . this is my girlfriend,
Gina Cora. We both think opposing counsel is an idiot. [sits]

GINA: [whispering] Good job, honey.

I mean, really. It's not as if my comments are so impervious to counterargument. They are, however, impervious to the cyberspace equivalent of leaving a flaming bag of dog poop on my doorstep and then running, and what you wrote doesn't even come close to THAT. You lit a fake novelty turd in front of my door, and compounded that by sticking around and introducing yourself by way of your girlfriend. Admittedly, that's slightly less cowardly than just adding an anonymous comment at the end of one of my posts, but I'm not sure if it's any smarter.

So, yeah, whatever you meant to accomplish here, you failed — unless of course you meant to accomplish having me responding to you and quoting both your e-mail (in its entirety of monumental irrelevant, dull nothingness) and my reply in a post; in that case, you've succeeded.

I could go on, but I think I've made my point; which is one more point than what you made.

mike marchand

Linked at My VRWC's Trackback Party!

(Edited 5/6 2:32 AM to add the link.)


Location: Mishawaka, Indiana, United States

I graduated with an English degree from the University Of Notre Dame in 2001, and in 2008 I have a day job that has nothing to do with my degree but gets the bills paid in a semi-regular fashion. (I have running water five days a week!) The idea is that once I get turned around on my bills, I go to grad school. I also have an idea for cold fusion. Anyone's guess which will be feasible first. In non-work mode, I'm usually reading columns by famous and well-read thinkers, blogs by critically praised writers, or sometimes blogs by overzealous cranks who make me laugh. I yearn to be all three at once; until then I'll settle for being the third. I also have an undying love for the Chicago Cubs and Notre Dame football. Praise them and I'll buy you a beer; curse them and I'll dump it over your head. If that's not enough, I'm becoming quite the fan of no-limit Texas Hold'em. My games have one of two results: I either win all the money or whine because I didn't win all the money.

marchandchronicles -at-

Fair warning: I reserve the right to post any and all criticisms and flames, in their entirety. Seriously. Just ask this guy.

July 2006
May 2006
April 2006
January 2006

January | February | March | April
May | June | July | August
September | October | November | December

Essays on whatever I feel like writing about.

August 8, 2005: High Gas Prices
August 1, 2005: Judge Roberts' Hearings
June 20, 2005: Senator Durbin's Comments
May 23, 2005: Newsweek & Pepsi
May 2, 2005: Al Gore's MoveOn Speech
April 25, 2005: Lebanon
April 18, 2005: The Nuclear Option
April 11, 2005: Pope John Paul II
March 5, 2005: The Domino Effect
January 31, 2005: Iraqi Elections
January 24, 2005: Bush's Inaugural
January 17, 2005: Roemer, Dean & The DNC

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Contributor to Steal The Blinds


marchand chronicles has such massive readership and influence that it makes me weep.
—Glenn Reynolds


Damn right.


What's Your Line?


I absolutely love the name of your site.

Scott "Big Trunk" Johnson, Power Line
Just the name? Not the content? . . . I'll take it.

You have something in common with Dave Barry, Hemingway, and Mark Steyn: I'm not linking to them, either.


That's good stuff there Mark.

Dean Barnett, Soxblog
Psst, it's "Mike."

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All text and original images © MMVI by Mike Marchand/Marchand Chronicles.

Okay, so I don't really have a copyright. But I still don't want you ripping me off. Reprint it all over the Internet if you like, but give me proper credit and link back to me. Besides, if you're going to plagiarize, steal from someone with some talent.

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