Urp. More snow.
Lots of it. The weathermen say we're going to get more.Weather in this area is completely unpredictable, especially in winter, when the winds of Lake Michigan play havoc with forecasters' prognostication tools. If the weathermen could just say "We don't know," that would at least be honest. But instead we get differing forecasts: one says 4-6 inches, one says 7-10 inches, another says 8-12.
South Bend is defined as a mid-level news market, but we're still small enough that many days, the news is the weather. When no one bleeds, the weather leads. Journalistically speaking, we haven't grown so large that we've transcended the image of the old men playing checkers in front of the general store.
But because the weather's so important, the local news channels are engaged in an arms race that can only be described as — what's the phrase? — myopic zeal. One station gets a huge Doppler radar network, the other contracts with their sister station in Chicago to co-opt their Doppler and expand their radius, and the small stepbrother station's chief meterologist promises all of his forecasts will be accurate to within five degrees or he'll give away money. (Yeah. Real tough when the high is 14º.)
So the first station expands their Doppler to update in real time ("Ten minutes ahead of the rest!"), the second station upgrades their Doppler to project in 3-D, and the small station makes all their meterologists promise accuracy to within five degrees or they'll give away money. Next year, the first station's Doppler will start its own blog, the second station's will acquire advanced weaponry and enslave the employees of the first station, and the small station's chief meteorologist will slit his wrists live on camera.
(And I'm not even talking about the presentation aspect. First station: carved half their studio out for the Weather Center. Second station: retro-fit a mobile weather lab out of a Hummer H2. Small station: now has animated sun, rain, and snow graphics, in front of which the chief meterologist cries nightly.)
It hasn't actually made them predict what's going to happen any better, though they have snappy commercials when they actually get it right. Most of the time, they have sinister music and say something like "Now, Will B. Dependable's AccuPerfect UberDoppler Forecast!" They give their forecast, and the exact opposite happens. They say three inches and we don't get enough to make a snowman the size of Gary Coleman. Or we get a foot.
The predictions are always scary, too, so that way you'll believe them. But how believable is it when they blare warnings whenever the radar looks the least bit ominous? We already go through two tornado watches a week in the summer. It wouldn't surprise me if soon we had an extended forecast that looks like this:
MONDAY: Partly sunny. High 65º.
TUESDAY: Fair. High 42º.
WEDNESDAY: Mostly apocalyptic, with a 70% chance of fire and brimstone. High 451º.
THURSDAY: Colder, with a 50% chance of snow. High -2º.
It's ridiculous. Even more so when there's tsunamis in South Asia, mudslides in California, and temperatures in Minnesota of -54º. Yes, I said FIFTY-FOUR BELOW ZERO. But because of these stupid warnings, we ransack the grocery stores and stockpile ammunition every time some station's MegaDoppler attains sentience, grows a sense of irony and screws with us.
If tomorrow weren't Saturday, I'd wager dollars to doughnuts there wouldn't be enough snow on the ground to cancel school.
The upshot of all this is that it delayed my Translation. But by now I'm sure you figured that out. You're smart.
posted by Marsh @ 2:52 AM
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